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Social influences and expectations

What are social influences and expectations?

Social influences and expectations refer to the ways people in a particular group or society are expected to behave, express themselves, and interact with others. While many social influences are shared by young people of different genders, it's worth considering how social expectations around masculinity and femininity can affect young people’s behavior and development.

For example, society often expects boys to be assertive and unemotional, while girls are often expected to nurture others and express their emotions. These social pressures may be subtle or overt, depending on the circumstances, and you may find it helpful to keep them in mind as you communicate with your child.

How do social influences and expectations affect my child? 

To understand how social influences affect your child, talk with them about the expectations that society places on people based on gender. Let them know that, throughout their life, they may face pressure to look or act in certain ways based on other people’s expectations—but that this may not be healthy for them or true to who they are.

Your child may experience unhealthy social pressure in conversation or online, and this could negatively affect their body image and perceptions about their physique or contribute to loneliness or anxiety.

How can I start a conversation with my child about social influences and expectations?

Connecting with your kids on an emotional level takes time and intention. To prepare for a conversation about social influences, think about the gender-based expectations you’ve faced throughout your life. As a parent, you may also have felt pressure to behave in certain ways as a mother or father.

To learn about your child’s experiences in this area, ask open-ended questions and listen without judgment. Your child’s experiences may be different from your own.

Here are a few ways to start:
  • Ask your child if they’ve ever felt pressure to look or act in certain ways because of their gender. What was that experience like for them?
     
  • Share an experience where you felt pressure or expectations based on your gender, and talk about how that made you feel. Be vulnerable with your child in an age-appropriate way, and share what you learned from the experience.
     
  • If you watch a TV show or a movie together where a character acts in ways that aligns with (or contradicts) social expectations around gender, ask your child what they thought of the character.
     
  • Ask your child how they think someone of their gender should look and act. If they share unhealthy or stereotypical ideas, offer an alternative perspective. For example, if they think boys are supposed to be tough, you might suggest that boys can also be kind and empathetic.
     
  • Ask your child if they’ve seen any extreme examples of social influences around gender. (If they’re on social media, they may have encountered the toxic masculinity in connection with the “manosphere,” dangerous bodybuilding or weight loss content, or the possibly restrictive femininity in connection with the “tradwife” movement.) Ask how they feel about those influences and how they think others their age are affected.
     
  • Ask your child if they have a role model or a favorite celebrity. If so, ask what they like about this person, and talk with them about whether their role model meets social expectations or challenges them. Positive role models can help balance out the pressure that young people often face. Children benefit from role models who demonstrate confidence, vulnerability, emotional expression, healthy relationships, and respect for others.

During these conversations, your child may talk about themselves and whether or not they meet gendered expectations. Support your child by listening to and validating their feelings.

Some children might feel that breaking social norms makes them unique, while others may feel pressure to change who they are. For example, a boy might worry that he is seen as “too soft,” or a girl might express concern about being labeled “bossy.”

Preteens and teens are often exploring their identity and trying to figure out who they really are. Let your child know that they don’t have to change their appearance or behavior to make you or anyone else happy. Encourage them to be kind to themselves and others, whether or not they look or act in ways that meet social norms.

How can I continue to have conversations about social influences and expectations with my child?

Talking about social influences and expectations regularly will make it easier for your child to recognize when they’re encountering gender stereotypes or other societal pressures. It may also help them process how they feel about gendered expectations.

Some children may be more open to conversations about social norms around gender than others. Keep in mind that gendered expectations may also affect how your child communicates. (For example, boys may feel pressure to be stoic and unemotional in conversation, while girls may feel pressure to express their feelings.)

If your child resists the conversation, adjust your approach, and try again another time.
 
  • If your child avoids face-to-face conversations with you, they may open up more easily during a shared activity, such as walking side by side or playing a game.
     
  • Texts count as communication, too. If your child seems reluctant to talk in person, they may be more open to a text, which allows them to take time to think before responding.
     
  • Every child’s experience with societal norms will be different. As much as possible, let your child lead the conversation. Listen to their feelings and experiences, so that you can better understand what they’re going through. Even when faced with a challenging situation, they may not want advice, so ask before sharing any.

When your child talks to you, listen with curiosity and empathy. And no matter what your child says, don’t take it personally. Even if you suspect your child is intentionally saying something hurtful, stay calm, and let them express their feelings. After the conversation, take time to reflect and process what you learned.

Helpful resources