Sex and Sexuality
Sexuality
What is sexuality?
Sexuality refers to how people express themselves sexually. It includes feelings, emotions, relationships, and physical acts.
It’s normal for young people to have sexual thoughts and feelings. Open conversations can help them understand their bodies and make smart decisions. Talking about sex and sexuality also supports your child’s emotional wellbeing and makes them less likely to hide things from you.
The topic of sexuality can mean a lot of different things for children, depending on their age and what they have been exposed to on TV, online, through music, or in the classroom. Your child may feel uncomfortable asking questions about sex and sexuality, and addressing these topics may be awkward for parents and caregivers, too. Have the conversations anyway, so that your child learns about sex and sexuality in a safe, healthy way.
What does sexuality look like for your child?
Children and teenagers have an innate curiosity about sexuality and a healthy interest in learning about it. Unfortunately, they also get a lot of confusing, and sometimes upsetting, information about sexuality from their peers, the media, and online.
Talking with your child about sex and sexuality
Prepare for the conversations
Before talking with your child about sex and sexuality, think about how you’ll react if they bring up a topic that makes you uncomfortable.
Plan ahead and think about how you might answer tough questions from your child. This will help you stay calm and respond in a caring way, no matter what questions they may have.
Start a conversation
Here are a few ways to start:
- Ask your child what they think about when their classmates or peers talk about their crushes.
- Talk openly.
- Let them know that sex is natural and healthy as long as it is consensual and is practiced safely when they are mature enough.
In conversation
When children bring up the topic of sex and sexuality or identity, they often have a specific concern or question in mind. As a result, they look for information from a reliable source but worry about the awkward conversation that might result.
Put your child at ease by showing them you are willing to talk openly about these topics.
Here are a few tips:
- Ask what brought a specific topic or question to mind.
- Limit your answer to the topic or question.
- Ask if they have more on the topic they want to discuss.
- Ask for consent (and wait until you receive it) to take the conversation further. Doing so will increase the chances that your child will return to you for future discussions about sex and sexuality.
- If your child asks a question that you’re not sure how to answer, tell them you’ll look into it and get back to them. Do this, and follow up when you have an answer.
Continue the conversation
When talking about sex and sexuality with your child, you don’t need to think of it as having “the talk.” This isn’t a one-time conversation. Revisit these topics in an age-appropriate way whenever the time feels right
For example, before your child has their first smartphone, talk with them about the inappropriate content they may encounter. Kids who spend time online may come across disturbing sexual content by accident, or they may hear about sexual content from friends and seek it out.
Sadly, it's not uncommon for young people who text to receive requests for nude photos from peers, or may receive unsolicited nude photos. Talk with your child about why it’s not okay to ask for, or share, naked or intimate photos or videos. Explain how sharing these images is wrong, and even; sharing these photos with friends may have negative consequences. Depending on local laws, which may qualify sharing naked or intimate photos of a child as child pornography, young people may also face strict penalties for sending or requesting these images.
Conversations like this may feel awkward for both you and your child, and it’s okay to acknowledge that. Remind your child that you love and accept them, and that you want to help keep them safe. Urge them to come to you with any questions they have. Let them know that even if you don’t have all the answers, it’s important to you to be able to talk openly together about these topics.
Sexual Orientation
What is sexual orientation?
Sexual orientation describes the patterns of emotional, romantic, and/or sexual attraction that a person feels toward another person.
Common words that people use to describe their sexual orientation include asexual, bisexual, gay, lesbian, pansexual, and straight.
Even if your child has not raised the topic of sexual orientation or identity with you, you can show them through your words and actions that you support and respect all people. Remember, your child will notice this support - or lack of it - and will likely follow your lead. Be an ally to friends and family in the LGBTQ+ community, whether it's speaking positively about an LGBTQ+ person you know, or a character from a movie or television show; or reflecting out loud about sexuality issues surfacing in the news.
Talking with your child about their sexual orientation
If your child tells you that they are questioning their sexuality (between 7% and 9% of youth identify as LGBTQ+) or shares with you that they are part of the LGBTQ+ community, encourage them to talk about their feelings. Listen without interrupting. Then, share your support and acceptance.
You may not understand everything right away. If your child says something you’re unfamiliar with or that conflicts with your cultural or religious beliefs, it may be hard for you to accept. Even if you need time to process what your child is saying, tell them that you love them and that nothing will change that. It’s crucial that you express your support.
On your own time, after the conversation is over, use the resources below to help you process your feelings, find answers to your questions, and learn more about LGBTQ+ topics.
When talking about sexuality and sexual orientation with your child, avoid making assumptions about the kind of people they find attractive. You can use words like romantic interest, or crush.
Continue the conversation
Thank your child for opening up to you. Let them know you are always willing to listen if they have more to say.
Check with your child before sharing anything they tell you about their sexuality with others, even other family members. Your child felt they could trust you with this information, but they may not feel comfortable talking about it with other people yet.
Ask your child if there’s anything you can do to help them or support them.
The more accepting you are during this conversation, the more likely it is that your child will talk with you about their feelings in the future.
And remember - Listening is a form of love. Hearing about your child's sexuality or identity might be difficult due to long-held beliefs getting in the way of immediately supporting your child. But keep this in mind - your child trusted you to share vulnerabilities, and it was probably difficult for them to come to you, too. Reassure them that you love them - either by saying it or showing it. Afterall, Listening is a form of love.