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Gender

What is gender?

Gender refers to the norms, behaviors, roles, and attributes that a given society considers appropriate related to a person’s assigned sex.

What does gender look like for your child?

Children are often taught gender cues from an early age. Even if their caretakers’ perspective on gender is broad, children will often pick up signals and internalize an idea of what are "girl" things and what are "boy" things.

Some children don’t identify with either masculine or feminine gender expression in clothing, toys, activities, or more. For other children, their assigned sex or assumed gender might differ from the gender they identify with which can make them feel trapped or anxious. Or, they may identify with both or no genders.

No matter how your child feels about gender, the best things you can do are listen, and let them know that you love and support them.

Talking with your child about gender

Prepare for the conversations

It’s normal and healthy for kids to explore their gender identity, whether or not their feelings change over time. Children who are exploring their gender identity and expression may struggle with self-esteem issues and need extra emotional support.

Before talking about gender with your child, think about what gender has meant in your life. Have you faced expectations to act or behave in certain ways because of your gender? What kinds of gender stereotypes have you encountered?

Remember not to confuse gender identity (a person’s deeply held core sense of self in relation to gender) with sex (anatomical, physiological, genetic, or physical attributes that determine if a person is male, female, or intersex) or sexual orientation (to whom one is sexually attracted). These terms may be confusing for some parents, luckily there are many online resources that can teach you more about these topics.

If you have questions about how to support a child who may not fit traditional gender categories, seek out information and help from professionals, and explore some of the online resources below. You may also find it helpful to connect with other parents of gender-diverse, transgender, or nonbinary children.

Start a conversation

Start by noting that even though our society sometimes likes to define things for "boys" and "girls," and this even continues into adulthood as expectations for “women” and “men,” those rules don't work for everyone.

Tell them there is no one right way to be a boy or a girl. Some children aren't comfortable being seen as a boy or a girl, and that’s totally okay. It’s also okay to feel unsure and to explore different gender identities.

Everyone deserves to be treated with respect, no matter what their gender is.

In conversation

If your child identifies with a different gender than the sex they were assigned at birth, ask them how long they have been feeling this way. What has it been like to have those feelings?

Ask your child if they feel comfortable being themselves at home, at school, and with friends and family. If they hesitate or seem unsure, encourage them to talk about it.

Ask your child gently if they've encountered any unfair or hateful behavior due to gender, and if they want to share what happened.

If your child has friends who are exploring their gender identity, encourage them to be kind and supportive. Remind them that when someone shares their pronouns, it’s important to remember them and use them correctly.

If your child asks you to use different pronouns to refer to them, it may take practice for you to get it right. This is normal. If you use the wrong pronouns, apologize and correct yourself.

Next steps

Understand the conversation

If your child has questions about gender that you don’t feel equipped to answer, let them know that you will find out the answer and get back to them.

Ask if there’s anything else you can do to help.

Continue the conversation

Thank your child for sharing how they feel, and make sure they know you support them.

Tell your child that you love them—and that your love for them is inclusive of their whole selves, including their gender identity.

Check with your child before sharing anything they tell you about their gender identity with others, even other family members. Your child felt they could trust you with this information, but they may not feel comfortable talking about it with other people yet.

Let them know that if they ever want to talk more about gender, you are here to listen.

The more you can show your support, the more likely it is that they will continue the conversation with you in the future.

Helpful resources