Bullying
What is bullying?
Bullying is when a child or group of children uses aggressive or intimidating behavior against a peer who is unable to defend themselves. Young people may describe this type of activity as “trolling,” “starting drama,” or “spreading hate.”
What does bullying look like?
Bullying comes in different forms:
- Verbal bullying includes name-calling, unfriendly teasing, insults, and making threats.
- Social bullying involves spreading rumors or lies, intentionally embarrassing someone, or leaving someone out of a group.
- Physical bullying is when the bully hurts someone or their property. This includes hitting, tripping, stealing, and forcing someone to do something they don’t want to do.
- Cyberbullying is any bullying that happens digitally. It can occur in texts, on social media, in video games, and anywhere that people connect online.
Talking with your children about bullying
Prepare for the conversations
It’s natural to feel stressed if you learn that your child is getting bullied or is bullying others. Instead of assigning blame, have a conversation with your child to get more information. This is the first step to supporting them and moving forward.
Before starting a conversation with your child, think about what they might say and how you might react. You may find it helpful to talk with a trusted friend, family member, or counselor first.
When to start conversations
Bullying isn’t always obvious to parents. You may learn about the situation from someone who witnessed the bullying or from a school administrator.
Signs that your child may be a victim of bullying include coming home with damaged possessions, avoiding school or social activities, and mood and behavior changes. If your child is getting bullied, they may feel weak, scared, or embarrassed. If they open up to you about it, be ready to listen. If you hear about it from someone else, you’ll have to initiate the conversation.
Signs that a child might be bullying others include aggressive, dominant, or secretive behavior, a lack of empathy, and frequent conflicts at school. A child who cyberbullies may create multiple social media accounts and try to hide their screen when others are nearby. Bullying may involve intense feelings, such as envy or peer pressure.
If your child has bullied someone else, they may not take it seriously or realize the impact of their behavior. By talking about it with them, you can help them develop empathy.
Start a conversation
Your child may be reluctant to discuss what happened. Let them know that you aren’t upset; you just want to understand the situation.
Ask non-judgmental, open-ended questions. Stay calm as you listen to your child’s answers. Resist the temptation to offer an immediate solution.
If your child has been bullied, let them know that bullying is not okay—and that it is not their fault. Everyone deserves to be treated with respect.
If your child has witnessed bullying in person or online, encourage them to tell you what happened. Ask them how they felt when it happened and how they think the bullied person felt.
If your child has bullied others, ask them how they think their behavior makes that person feel. How would they feel in that person’s position? Ask your child how they could have handled things better.
If your child bullied someone else online, urge them never to post when they are sad or angry. If they give themselves time to calm down, they’re less likely to post something they’ll regret. Remind them that the things they post online could be seen—and saved—by anyone.
In conversation
Get an understanding of the situation from your child, including specifics about what happened and who was involved. If your child is being bullied, document what has happened, including the dates. If the bullying happens online, take screenshots. These records could be helpful if you have to talk to school administrators or law enforcement in the future.
Thank your child for sharing what’s going on with them. Whether your child is being bullied or bullying others, they may need help managing their emotions.
Ask your child to brainstorm with you: What is the best way to handle this situation? Ask them what, if anything, they would like you to do. They may just want you to listen, but if someone is getting hurt, you have a responsibility to step in.
Encourage your child to take action if they witness bullying by reaching out to the victim, addressing the bully directly, and/or alerting an adult.
Next steps
Understand the conversation
Remind your child that bullying is never okay. Encourage them to treat others with empathy, respect, and compassion. Let them know that kindness is a skill and they will get better at it the more they practice.
Continue the conversation
Talk to your child about becoming an ally to others who might be targets of bullying. This might look like getting to know them, involving them in activities, or inviting them to sit together at lunch. Online, it might mean checking in on someone through a friendly text or direct message.